There exists a deep, dark mystery in the universe. It’s a slippery, unknowable secret in the fabric of the reality we face from day to day. Is it the existence of life on other planets? Phffff. Kid’s stuff. Is it perhaps the conspiracy to kill JFK? Get out. Could it even be the meaning of existence itself? Nah, Bobby McFerrin had that figured out.

No kids, this is what we need to devote some neurons to. Why the hell do Arby’s sammiches cost so damned much? I spent $8 for a fucking value meal. That’s serious coin for a gooey bun with some shavings of not-warm-enough beef and some curly fries. Fuck.

As I type this, I’m watching a documentary on Netflix about Auschwitz, and perhaps my suffering pales in comparison. Who’s to say? But I can tell you this, not even the free-refills of Diet Pepsi made me feel like a satisfied customer, and I left the fast-food establishment feeling like my wallet had been violated worse than a female reporter in an Egyptian mob. Yeah, it was that bad.

Now, I know you’re thinking “Wow, swingset, your white guy problems really suck”, but I’m stung by this injustice and I want answers. Seriously, why is all that shit so expensive? Applebees charges $8.99 for a big restaurant style and fries. Chipotle runs ya $8 for a burrito and some Coke, and it weighs approximately 700 times as much as the Arby’s meal. I saw a salt truck weighing down his axles for traction with a Chipotle burrito bowl once. Swear to God.

Well, I don’t know if you have answers. Unless you’re on the corporate board for those beef-slicing terrorists, you are probably not privy to the evil machinations of their price structure, but I’m here to tell you it’s wrong, wrong, wrong.

Well, as Howard Beale said, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” You heard me, this sucks and I won’t be taken advantage of again, I don’t care how many free souffles of ketchup that hellhole offers in compensation. From here on out, I’m eating at the Chinese buffet. $8, all the salt & pepper frog’s legs you can eat and the cute little diplomats from the People’s Republic bring me a fortune cookie when I’m so full I have to be rolled out to my car.

I think as world events have shown us, a few motivated people can really fuck up a country armed with Twitter and the willingness to admit they have no plan. People need to speak up, they need to get organized, and demand answers to the problems of their society. If you sit there and take it, it’ll hurt our children, and their children. Yeah, it’s that important. It starts in small ways, like at Arby’s over the price of those fucking sammiches.

So, here I am asking you to do something too….fight the good fight. Resist. Don’t conform, comrades! Don’t you eat that Arby’s shit. It’s not worth it, trust me it’s just not.